Boyfriends 14yo refuses to speak to him

by Pod
(Scotland)

Question: My boyfriends eldest child refuses to speak to him since she found out about our affair. He left home a year and half ago and came to stay with me for a short time before moving into a flat of his own.

He has two other girls ages 11 and 12 who although won't go out with him, at least speak and play with him. He visits them twice a week and has done so since he left.

He texts them most nights, tells them how much he loves them, is sorry for the hurt he caused and how he would love to if he could take them out - anywhere they wanted. The eldest simply says how much she hates him and to f off. He will then walk away and play with the other two.

He has been told by a counselor to simply keep doing what he is and that one day they will come round. He thinks if he split up with me she would speak to him and they would all go out with him. I do not believe there is nothing else he can do. I thought it was basic psychology that if you keep doing the same thing you will get the same reaction.

Do you have any ideas about what else he could do? He has written them letters, sends them cards etc. There must be something more he can do.

Answer: How is the relationship between him and the mother? I think that would probably be the first place for him to start. If the relationship between them is stressed, then the daughter is most likely trying to be loyal to the mother and will continue until she feels the mother has forgiven him.

Is it possible for the mother to attend counseling sessions with him? Having divorced parents learn how to get along in order to provide the best love and environment for their children would be a great place to start. If the mother is aware of the importance of the daughter having her father in her life, she will be encouraging her as well.

Otherwise, is it possible for the daughter to attend counseling? He might be able to suggest that to the mother by stating that if their daughter continues holding all that anger inside, it will only continue to hurt her.

He may also try giving the daughter the movie, "The Last Song." It is about a similar situation in which the daughter is very angry with her father for leaving and won't speak to him.

She later regrets this decision, due to unforeseen circumstances. The movie provides a good perspective on this type of situation that she might not be able to get otherwise.

Good luck!